blinded by hopelessness

My gosh... how can it have possibly been over a year since I have sat down to write here?

Writing has always been an escape for me- a place to process & think out loud. I have been writing in this season more than any other time in my life. Daily sharing as part of my job on social media, quiet morning prayers, and writing words that won't ever make it to the eyes of the public.

But what is on my heart belongs here. I cannot explain it.
Maybe it is meant to be shared with someone who will connect with it on this platform.
Maybe God just wanted me to blow the dust off this blog and start again.
Maybe I'll never really know.

But whoever you are, wherever you are- welcome.
Welcome to my messy thoughts, lessons, and adventures.
Take a look around and see the journey the past few years have been.
I truly pray it encourages you.

As I'm sure you all know, we just celebrated Easter. I read over the story of Jesus' ultimate sacrifice several times and reflected on what it means for me today. I reflected on how His death affects my life. And I thanked Him for taking my place. Thank you will never be enough.

But as I read over the story, I noticed something that I had looked past many times.
One line that stood out and lit up in my heart.

On the third day after Jesus' death, two of the disciples are walking to a village outside Jerusalem. They're super bummed, discussing all they had just witnessed and mourning the loss of their best friend. The man they had quit their jobs for, dropped everything, and followed. The man they'd seen change lives. Gone. Jesus walks right up to them and asks, "Whatcha talking about?" and they stand there, not recognizing who He was, in disbelief that He is the only one around who hasn't heard the news. They explain to Him that this man of God was betrayed, sentenced to death, and was crucified. The message translation says, "We had our hopes up that he was the One- the One about to deliver Israel".

They had hoped for a different outcome.
They had hoped it would look differently.
They thought it would have a happy ending.

Blinded by their hopelessness. Crippled by despair.
Unable to see the Man in front of them.
And yet right there in their hopelessness, Jesus walks beside them.

I see myself in those disciples. My preconceived ideas and hopes of the way my life should look cripples me from seeing the Jesus that walks along beside me. I walk that road too often- acting as if Jesus has broken a promise or let me down in some way. Thinking that I know the way things should go. When I think we should have gotten an answer on our visa situations by now. When my sick friend doesn't get better. When the relationship falls apart.

I have hoped it would look differently, too.

And still He walks with me- even when I'm unable to see Him for who He is. He walks patiently along the road- even when it's not the road I would have chosen. Whether I chose to a recognize Him or keep on walking blindly, He's there. It is easy to see Him when I'm comfortable and things are going the way I had hoped, but when life doesn't go the way I wanted, when my prayers aren't answered, when there isn't a happy ending, I will choose to believe in what I cannot yet see.


Katie Davis Majors puts it this way, "I have walks the road filled with doubt and despair and the wondering and the I had hoped, and the lie of Satan that maybe this time He let me down. That maybe this time He would not be enough. But when I push aside those lies, I can say with full confidence to you and to anyone who cares to listen, "I did not walk alone." We do not walk alone."  


He's right there with you walking the road you're on. Whether your disappointments & doubts blind you or you see His grace at work this day, He's there.

Thank you Jesus.
You're so good.

the place that God dwells

As many of you may know, I currently am working in a women's gym here in my hometown. While I was excited about this new job, I had no idea how much I would grow to love Empower and the many ways it would change my life- physically and otherwise. The past [almost] three months of working in the gym has given me a chance to learn about the importance of taking care of my body, it has sparked a fire in my heart to find out what God thinks of all of this, and to daily be surrounded by amazing women who inspire me to live fully and love deeply.

This blog is so very different from my typical writings, but I feel it is important. The difference I have noticed since I began taking my health and fitness seriously is blowing my mind.

A few years ago, I remember hearing about The Daniel Plan and various other diets that took got the attention of church goers everywhere. While I believe this is hugely important, I'm wondering why it faded away so quickly. Im sure there are a list of reasons- people weren't catching on, we finished the series, or time ran out. Please don't hear judgement, these are honest questions that I have.

I have begun looking for my own answers to the questions, and am learning that God does care. I am sure all the Christians reading this post can say they have heard the verse stating that, "Your body is a temple" used many times, but what if we took that, among many other things Jesus says, seriously?

"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own. You were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your bodies." 

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 

Dictionary.com defines a temple as, "any place or object in which God dwells". When people disrespect our churches, we are offended. We take care of the building, we decorate it, we invest in those places. A church is a place where God dwells. But why are we not taking that offence at the disrespect of our own bodies? The Holy Spirit lives in me. He lives in my earthly body.

Last week Ivan and I were cleaning our house. I was upstairs and he was cleaning the kitchen. There's something fantastic about having a clean home. It struck me that I had spent more time cleaning my house than I had spent with Jesus that day. I had spent more time tidying than I had spent taking care of the body I've been given. The body Jesus died for. I understand that we are souls living in earthly bodies that will grow old and fade away, but why have we decided that means we can treat this temple with little respect when it is the place where God dwells?

Exercise has been proven to improve mental health, boost your immune system, improve self confidence, prevent heart disease and diabetes, reduce stress, and give you energy. Are you hearing this!? Why aren't we doing this?! I'm not saying you have to run out and join a gym for a year. Go for a run. Invite a friend over and make a healthy meal together. Get accountability in the areas where you know you're weak. I know that there are no step by step instructions in the Bible on working out or eating healthy, but the Bible was written in a different time than the world we live in here in 2017. In our house, we have decided to not eat anything that either has ingredients we cannot pronounce or that we cannot say with certainty what it contains. Believe me, I understand that eating healthy is expensive, but there are ways to make better choices. If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it isn't, you'll find an excuse.

"Its not about the mirror, it's about the One we are trying to mirror." 

-The Daniel Plan

Faith, like muscle, only grows if you use it. Our bodies are gifts that God lends us so that we can bring Him glory. May we honour Him in the way we care for ourselves.

Let's take care of our bodies- it's the only place we have to live.

Merry Christmas- I guess.

I'm sure you won't like what I have to say.
Imma go right ahead and say it anyway.

I remembering the anticipation and the careful choosing of what I wanted from "Santa". I remember waking up early to a stocking outside our bedroom doors. Forever holding a magazine that we wanted, toothpaste (which for years I believed you could only buy at Christmas..), unhealthy amounts of chocolate, among other things. There was something magical about Christmas. A time to be present with family and with friends.

A time to gather.  A time to celebrate. A time to share.  A time to eat too much. 

I keep being asked, "Are you ready for Christmas?" "Did you get your tree up yet?" "Did you get your shopping done?". To all of those questions I hesitantly answer no. I thought I'd feel more "Christmas-y" when the snow came, when December arrived, when I attempted to put up decorations, or when I bought a few gifts.

But I don't.

Go right ahead and call me the Grinch. I don't mind.

I just can't do it this year. I am overwhelmed by the crisis happening in the world around us. Countries are in turmoil. Children are being shot in their own homes in Aleppo, people. I read yesterday, "This is not the first time that the West has looked on and done nothing. It is the first time we have watched it happen in real time." That shakes me to the core. I promise you they aren't worried about getting their shopping done. These are our brothers and sisters. These are our neighbours. How can we sit idly by?

This is not a Merry Christmas for the people facing famine in Ethiopia right now.
This is not a Merry Christmas for the people risking their lives at Standing Rock.
This is not a Merry Christmas for the thousands of people left homeless after Hurricane Matthew crashed through Haiti.
It's not a Merry Christmas for the homeless in this very town and all over our country.

We are the minority here, friends. There is more hurt than healed in our world today.

I have to say I am TIRED of seeing fellow brothers and sisters in Jesus post complaints about our Prime Minister "letting" all of 'these refugees' into our country. I am tired of complaints of our money being used to support other countries. I am thankful to be a country that reaches out.

 As someone wiser than I put it, "Bible verses prove that politicians who loudly profess their Christian faith while denying aid to strangers, healthcare to the poor, food to the hungry, the right of women to control their own bodies, are actually violating the basic tenets of Christianity. Anyone who identifies as a Christian or who swears an oath on the Bible should be the loudest voices in favor of helping Syrian refugees."

I'm tired of the hate, the judgement, and the Facebook arguments. I am tired of it.
We are all human. We are all responsible. We are their only hope.

Here is what Jesus has to say in Matthew 25 from the Voice translation.

 King: You shall be richly rewarded, for when I was hungry, you fed Me. And when I was thirsty, you gave Me something to drink. I was alone as a stranger, and you welcomed Me into your homes and into your lives. I was naked, and you gave Me clothes to wear; I was sick, and you tended to My needs; I was in prison, and you comforted Me. Even then the righteous will not have achieved perfect understanding and will not recall these things.

Righteous: Master, when did we find You hungry and give You food? When did we find You thirsty and slake Your thirst? When did we find You a stranger and welcome You in, or find You naked and clothe You? When did we find You sick and nurse You to health? When did we visit You when You were in prison?

King: I tell you this: whenever you saw a brother or sister hungry or cold, whatever you did to the least of these, so you did to Me. 

At that He will turn to those on His left hand.

King: Get away from Me, you despised people whom My Father has cursed. Claim your inheritance—the pits of flaming hell where the devil and his minions suffer. For I was starving, and you left Me with no food. When I was dry and thirsty, you left Me to struggle with nothing to drink. When I was alone as a stranger, you turned away from Me. When I was pitifully naked, you left Me unclothed. When I was sick, you gave Me no care. When I was in prison, you did not comfort Me.

Unrighteous:  Master, when did we see You hungry and thirsty? When did we see You friendless or homeless or excluded? When did we see You without clothes? When did we see You sick or in jail? When did we see You in distress and fail to respond?

King: I tell you this: whenever you saw a brother hungry or cold, when you saw a sister weak and without friends, when you saw the least of these and ignored their suffering, so you ignored Me.

I'd say the message is pretty clear. 

I'm not saying we should cancel Christmas. It is [supposed to be] the celebration of Jesus, after all. But must we buy [totally unnecessary] gifts for each other to celebrate... Him? Do you think that's how he would want to be celebrated? Do you think He'd be putting up lights and a tree and drinking egg nog? I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say- probably not. I understand that it is easier to turn your eye and buy another gift and not change a thing. I 100% admit that I don't have this all mastered and figured out. But I feel so deeply convicted, shaken, and broken that I will not keep my mouth shut any longer. I won't add another item to my list. I won't just share the link on Facebook. 

This morning on pinterest (very spiritual, I know) I saw a picture with the words "I used to wonder why no one did anything about the hard things. Then one day I realized- I am someone." 

What if we actually lived like each person we encountered daily was Jesus Christ? What if we actually made HIS birthday about HIM this year? What if we actually lived the way He asked us to? 

We 'celebrate' the day He came to show us how to live and die for us. 

And then we live the rest of the year safe and warm and dry. 

Let's change that. 

Wait, what?

I have been sitting here watching this blank page as if waiting for my thoughts to jump out of my head onto this page and write themselves.

There are many reasons I can think of to not write today. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to see the views on this page of all of the mystery people who I know will read my thoughts and cares. But I cling to the hope that one person can relate, be encouraged, or even just have one of those raw, open, human moments. We seem to lack those these days. 

When my life was adventurous, foreign, new, and wildly unpredictable I had no problem sharing my everyday lessons with all who wanted to hear them. I have been believing the lie that my life here is no longer an adventure, but I now see how horribly untrue this is. Life, each and every single moment of it, when lived the way Jesus wishes, is ALWAYS an adventure. He is constantly shaping, constantly showing up, and always speaking. 

I feel as though I say "Wait, what?" either verbally or internally roughly 100 times per day. The common everyday parts of my life still blow me away. It often feels as though I am finally getting the hang of this adult thing, and all of a sudden something changes. A relationship breaks, a job changes, more bills come, someone moves, snow falls. Forever changing. I doubt I'll ever get the hang of it. It truly is an uphill battle. I'm not sure whats at the top of said hill. 

While I remain confident that God has called us to be in this in between season right now, I struggle with the why. But I rejoice in the way that He has always blown my mind with the way He brings it all together every time. I am learning about His consistency. There are so many times in any given day that things don't go as planned, but how very lovely it is to know that He is still the same. Life looks absolutely nothing like I would have expected it to right now, but I can rejoice because Jesus is still on the throne. I rejoice because seasons change. I rejoice because He knows the desires of my heart. I rejoice in the simple gospel. And I repent of putting limitations on my God. He is at work. The earth is His and everything in it [Psalm 24:1].  

I have this vision of myself holding a sign that says the words, "Work in progress." 

I love this idea. If a construction site says, "Work in progress"- the message is clear. It is unfinished, but no one expects it to be complete . There is change, anticipation of whats to come, and an understanding that where it stands now is not where it will stay. I am a work in progress. God is challenging me to be okay with that. He is challenging me to view others through that same lens. We change daily, but praise God that He is the same. 

A wise lady once told me that "The day you stop learning, you're either prideful or you're dead." There is so much to learn. I refuse to waste time.  

The blog I don't know how to write.

Since I started this blog, I've never gone this long without writing.

It has been 5 months since I've sat and written out my thoughts. It's not because I haven't had time or haven't wanted to write- I just didn't know what to say. I still don't. So here it goes. 

The past five months have been a wild, reckless, beautiful adventure and I wouldn't change a thing. In June we moved to Canada to start a new season after spending a relaxing, refreshing, wonderful month in Mexico. It was the sweetest of blessings to see where my man grew to be the love of my life, meet the parents at the core of all his stories, and eat all of the tacos. All of them. I could go on all day about the instant home I found and the gift it was to experience somewhere new- but I won't. I am so thankful to now forever have a home there. 

The summer was memorable. We were planning our wedding, filling out paperwork for permanent residency, and adjusting to Canada. It was a whirlwind. There was blood (mostly Ivan's), sweat (mostly mine), and lots of tears (also mine). 

We learned, we laughed, and we grew. 

Then , finally, September 3rd, 2016 came. The day I married my best friend. The day we dreamed of, planned, and prayed over for months.

The week leading up to our wedding is a blur. (Shout out to Sara Landry for putting up with both of us through meltdowns and late nights of crafting. You the real MVP.) It was the best day ever. It was truly special. I don't have the words quite yet to say anything more. Some of my very favourite moments captured are attached at the end of this blog. It is a beautiful adventure to dream with Ivan. I love him more each day. 

If you've read my blogs, I believe you'll mostly find that they are stories of something currently on my heart, a lesson that I'm learning, a challenge for others, or a conviction that God has given me. But this time it is not. I don't really know what I'm learning in this season. I know that there is change more than I like to face, there is a many unanswered questions as we wait and apply for permanent residency, and I know that it is hard to be where your heart is not. But I also know that God is present with us. And I know that He has blessed me with the best man by my side to walk through this journey. I know that He has called us for such a time as this. After all, if life was comfortable and predictable, why would we need a God to trust? He is a good Father and He is faithful to complete what He starts. Every time. 

Several people have asked me over the past while, "Is your life the way you thought it would look right now?" and I smile. The answer is always, "Nope. Thankfully, it's nothing like I planned."

The other line I've heard over and over is, "Oh so you're ready to settle down?" "You got the traveling out of your system?" I'm afraid it's just gotten into my system. We are not interested in a normal life. Plain and simple. I will not settle for anything less than what He desires for my life. It's been years since I have fit into the stereotypes and done what is expected of me. Why start now?  I am lucky enough to have been given a man who is passionate about change, about reaching the lost and the hurting, who's heart burns for missions, and who dreams as big as I do. We only get one shot at this life. There is no time to waste. We will not stop until every eye has seen and every tongue confessed that He is Lord.

I wouldn't change a thing, friends. It's been a journey. It's been painful at times. But each friendship, each dream, each thought, and each day has become so much more of an adventure as I place it into His hands. It hasn't made sense. He doesn't make sense. Now, I am sure that we don't have it all figured out. But I encourage you to take the step out of the ordinary and embrace all that He has for you. I promise it'll be so worth it. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1u15rLnL9Gc 

                               

*insert title here*

I can't think of a name for this blog. Forgive me. 

I sit in this cafe today reflecting on His crazy goodness. He's taken my dreams and carried them further then I ever could have. He's told me no, and replaced what I wanted with something so much better. He is faithful.

I can't figure remember well enough to count anymore, but I have come and gone to my treasured Republica Dominicana somewhere around 12 times now. The first 4 times, I would come back and be disgusted and angry at the amount of material things that I owned and that surrounded me. The desire for more things drove me closer to crazy. I wanted others to share the same burn in my heart and help me motivate others into movement. I wanted others to be angry with me. Praise God that He did give me some close people who shared the heart that I did. But somewhere around trip #7 or 8, I realized that I will not change the world. I can change mine, though. I cannot move others, but I can move myself. I can keep speaking even when it seems like no one is listening. I can keep making the choices He leads me to, even when others judge and do not understand. 

Now, don't hear what I'm not saying; the things that angered me then still angry me now. It is NOT okay to live extravagantly while other's go without (1 John 3:17). It is not okay to turn away and to accept that God's children are dying all over the world and we are doing nothing about it (Proverbs 28:27). He hasn't stopped caring about them and we shouldn't either. In fact, we should probably start caring about them. Because it seems we never did that. 

I can now walk into a grocery store and not feel like throwing up because of the excess surrounding me. I have learned to hold my tongue and not jump to conclusions about others. I have learned to chose grace when I find myself listening to others complain about things that aren't eternally significant. It may have become normal, but it has not become okay. It will never be okay. Please don't hear that I think I have it all figured out. I'm not even close. But as He convicts me, I must speak it out. Because this is just how I express myself. Let's care. Let's love. Let's go.

Oh Lord, give me faith to task one more step closer to You everyday. Give me grace when others don't understand and the peace to know when to explain, and when to keep quiet. Remind me daily that Your thoughts are higher than mine. Let us love your people today better than we did yesterday. Let us be fearless to live radically like Jesus did. Amen.

to infinity and beyond

I'm at a total loss of how to begin this post, but I know I must speak about what He's doing in my heart. If this makes little sense, I apologize in advance for my whirlwind heart. 

I reflect on the way my life looked even one year ago, and I am astounded by what He has done. I go through my journals, my prayers, and my cries out to God. I laugh at my own silly heart and rejoice in the way He has pieced together each story and lesson so perfectly- as only He can do. I cry as some of those prayers were answered in ways I cannot understand, ways that hurt my human heart. I am burdened as I pray over the same situations that still feel far too big for this little girl. But over all, I sit amazed at the way He's rearranged my dreams, my fears, and my failures into this journey I call my life. But there's so much more to do. More hands to hold, more miracles to see, more souls to meet my Jesus. 

I catch myself day dreaming and praying for children in villages that I know I will never see again. I find myself dreaming about restoration and provision where I serve. I find myself giving away things I once thought I 'needed' as He shows me all I need is more of Him. I laugh as my dreams of a big cozy house with lots of land and a successful job have been replaced with dreams a small house that is so full of love it spills over to the neighbours and to the entire community. I am convicted by verses that I once skimmed past. 

A year ago this month I set foot for the first time in a place called Batey Esperanza and I fell in love. It was once the city dump, the kids throw rocks, they say bad words, it's full of garbage, witchcraft is so present, and the poverty is undeniable. But God. I came to serve this place and to offer the little that I have in teaching in the school, but I have learned far more than I have taught. 

This weekend we were able to go to another Batey about an hour away with a group from the church in Esperanza. These very same people who have close to nothing, sacrificed to go to others who are also in need. They could have thrown a party at the church. They could have had a youth outing. They could have gathered an eaten a meal together. But they gathered onto a bus, cooked their own food, brought clothing, gifts, and His presence to a community in Jesus name. Their loving community is real. They serve together. The poor serving the poor. There is no more beautiful thing. 

"Suppose there are brothers or sisters who need clothes and don’t have enough to eat. What good is there in your saying to them, “God bless you! Keep warm and eat well!” – if you don’t give them the necessities of life?"-James 2:15-16. 

Church- I find myself angry at times. I am only human. I do not believe that I have it all figured out (dude, I'm not even close), but I do know that there are people all over the world who are dying while we build bigger buildings, sound systems, and improve our fellowship groups. I do not believe we are all called to go- please don't hear that- but I do believe we are all called to give. 

"Rich people who see a brother or sister in need, yet close their hearts against them, cannot claim that they love God." -1 John 3:17 

Friends, we are the rich ones. If you can read this, have a computer or phone to read it on, there's a good chance that you are among the richest people in the world. Mairi included. 

About two years ago I walked past a homeless lady in my hometown. She asked me for money, and knowing that I only had a 20 in my pocket, I told her today I couldn't give. Walking away, my mind raced with the possibilities of things she could possibly do with that money- spend it on drugs or alcohol- and my judgemental thoughts continued like so. Like I said- still human. Later that day God spoke to me. Days later, I saw her again. And that time He spoke loudly and told me to give what I had- another 20. While maybe that money made a small difference to her, I'm sure it changed me more. God didn't ask me to give it to her to change her life. He asked me to give it to her to change my heart. He spoke and said, It doesn't matter what she does with that money. I don't care about money. Give generously. I care about her and I care about you. 

"For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death. He will rescue them from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in his sight." -Psalm 72:12-14

I grew up hearing how I was fearfully and wonderfully made, that I had purpose, and a that there is a God who loves me. I am so grateful that these words are true. But we must also learn to accept the truths in His word that don't make us feel warm and fuzzy. Let's take His other words seriously. Church, He also said, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'" (Luke 18:22)

Shane Claiborne said, “We do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy named Nicodemus. But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the Kingdom of God, I can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy, too. But I guess that's why God invented highlighers, so we can highlight the parts we like and ignore the rest.”

Come on, church. Let's go outside our homes and our church builds. Let's change the world. We were created for such a time as this.