Casey.

In the last house build I got to be a part of, there were a few other houses built closely behind the one we were building. As always, a million children gathered outside the front of the house to watch the progress and play with the white people. But behind the house there were always four or five kids- the shy ones. The watchers. 

One little girl caught my attention on the first day. Her name was Casey. She was maybe 3 years old and somehow always remembered by name. I would walk out the back door of the house and she would greet me with big brown eyes and a reluctant smile. She had something mischievous about her. On day 2 (without me noticing) she started following me around. All of a sudden, Casey was holding my hand as I walked around. She would stand close as the other kids asked me to take their pictures. Time came for me to start setting up the tables for lunch. Little Casey watched with big eyes. I asked her to go home and come back after lunch so we could play. I turned away and heard little sobs. My thoughts were, “Child, I’ve spent half a day with you. Why is it devastating that you go home now? Where are your parents? Also, where are your shoes?” I felt my heart break. I picked her up and carried her home. I sat with her and assured her that I would be back to come get her later. I felt overwhelmed as I realized the impact of even just a little bit of time. As I turned to go, she asked me to take a picture of her. I took a picture with her and she didn’t smile. I pointed to her face and asked her, “Who is that little girl?” “That’s Casey.” “She’s beautiful! But she’d be more beautiful if she smiled.” So we took another picture. No smile. “Casey, why won’t you smile? You’re smile is beautiful!” She looked at me, smiled, and said, “Because you can’t make me.” I laughed and tickled her. Laugher erupted from her little face. We may not have taken a smiling picture, but in her I saw resilience and a joy that cannot be matched. 

[I pray you never lose that strength. 

May you never lose that fire in you. 

May you always fight for what matters, 

dear child. I pray that children like her

will grow to fight for the things that 

matter here. I pray that I can be more 

like Casey in standing firm and also 

showing my heart.] 

One step at a time.

There are days when I want nothing more than to wake up in my own bed in Canada. I want to get in a car, drive to Tim Hortons, and enjoy time alone. I want to fit in and to not have children constantly running up to me and asking me for bracelets or to take pictures of them. I want to be unnoticed and I want to know what happens next. I want to express myself in my own language, to be understood, and to be in control. I want to not sweat 100% of the time, to not have constantly dirty feet, and to have quiet and peace. I want to forget how much it often hurts to see the way people are forced to live in our world. I want to stop fighting battles I feel like will never be won. I want easy. I want careless. I want home.

But so much more than that I want to hear His voice and respond right away. I want to put the entirety of my trust in Him- the One who is faithful to finish what He has started. I want to know that each and every question that I have about my future is safe in His hands. I want my heart to beat in line with the Father and to have His eyes for each person I meet. I want to love fully, to be complete in Him, and to live with reckless abandon. I want His will above mine. I want to see change and transformation. I want to get in people's dirt and walk with them through their pain. I want purpose. I want life. I want hope. 

And yet, there are days when there is no place I would rather be. Seeing children dream and laugh and play brings a joy that cannot be explained. After all, the roles could have so easily been reversed. I won't ever know why God allowed me to be born into such luxury and these precious humans into such hopelessness. These shoeless, often naked children could have been me. We are equal. It can be so hard to shake myself of my culture where I have been taught about all the things that I need. 

I hear the words, "You don't know what you're doing." or "You aren't trained for this." or "Someone else could do this better." But then He speaks over me, "I have called you and created you for such a time as this. You don't need to be trained to be used. I want you. I chose you." 

A year and a half ago I named this blog "Lead me to where my trust is without borders." I think I actually believed that was a simple process. Daily God is asking more of me- more of my trust, more of my heart, more of my being. There are days when I just want to say "Stop! Don't you see what I've given up? Don't you see how this hurts me?" And again He says to me, "Mairi, I gave up everything for you. I want what is best for you. It hurts me to see you settle for less than that." 

I do not know what the next step is. To be honest, I do not know what I'm doing tomorrow. But I'm quite sure that Moses didn't know what it was going to look like on the other side of the Red Sea or that Peter knew what it was going to feel like to walk on water. They trusted, they heard, they obeyed. One step at a time. God knows my heart and He knows that there are days when all I want is to run. He knows all the times I question what I'm doing and if I'm truly in His will. But thankfully His plans are not affected by mine. 

Over the past days, God has shown me something about the place where I live. The town where we live is called Juan Dolio. It's touristy and filled with foreigners and hotels. Things are expensive and the beaches are stunningly beautiful. But among all of the outward beauty, there is a hidden Haitian squatter community here called El Tanque. The houses are falling apart, built out of found metal or wood. Dirty floors, no running water. They are built so close together and just where you think you have come to the end, there's another hidden house. But from the main road, you see nothing. Just trees and another hotel a few streets down. Where others see nothing, God sees the hidden parts. He sees the hidden parts of this world, and the hidden parts of my heart. He sees potential and hope for these things. He does not overlook those forgotten by everyone else. He doesn't overlook the parts of me that aren't seen by others. I am thankful for a God who sees.

[from everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; 

and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.] 

-luke 12:48.

I have been given so much.

empty handed but not forsaken

Well, hey. 

I hope all is well in the land of eternal winter! To say the least, my life looks nothing like I thought it would right about now & I couldn't be more grateful. For those who do not know, about a month and a half ago I left university and came back to the home of my heart- the DR. For the last seven years I have been falling more and more in love with this country. Anyone who has been in my life for any length of time can testify to that! But this time I'm so blessed to be sharing this adventure with the best friend I've got, Miss Courtney Jones. She keeps me laughing and sometimes we look at each other and say "What even are our lives." It makes no sense, but the God who has never made sense to our minds is with us. And I am grateful.

It was a hard transition for me to take steps not knowing what the days would hold. While I'm happy to serve in ministry where ever I needed, I don't want to live someone else's dreams or try and live off someone else's passion. Proverbs says "Where there is no vision, people perish." I was frustrated and waiting for God to show me my place here- His vision for me. I felt that He was saying, "My child, I have not forgotten you. You may feel empty handed, but you are not forsaken." I struggle with feeling like I need to have all the answers. I think we all do- we're human. I hate the unknown and I am fearful of failure. I feel empty handed, as thought I am walking blindly. Yet I walk with the One who holds the stars in place. 

After a few weeks, God started planting something in mine and Courtney's hearts at the same time. Homes of Hope is a program run here where teams come to build homes for families in need in three days. There are always a million children running around, wanting to help, looking for new friends in the teams. While they are well meaning and super cute, they get in the way and can be more of a hinderance to the worksite than a help. There are also many power tools and it is dangerous for the children to be running around. Myself and Courtney are going to be starting a children's program to run alongside of the builds to keep these children occupied and also being able to reach communities, apart from the families receiving the homes. There are teams coming steadily until September, and we are excited and planning for the coming months. If you want to pray for us, feel free. If you feel lead to financially support this ministry, feel free. 

But above all, God is good! Each day we have the craziest of adventures & I wouldn't change a thing. He is faithful to finish what He has started. 


["Work for the well being of the city where I have sent you, and pray to the Lord for this. For if it is well with the city you live in, it will be well with you." -Jeremiah 21:4]