Merry Christmas- I guess.

I'm sure you won't like what I have to say.
Imma go right ahead and say it anyway.

I remembering the anticipation and the careful choosing of what I wanted from "Santa". I remember waking up early to a stocking outside our bedroom doors. Forever holding a magazine that we wanted, toothpaste (which for years I believed you could only buy at Christmas..), unhealthy amounts of chocolate, among other things. There was something magical about Christmas. A time to be present with family and with friends.

A time to gather.  A time to celebrate. A time to share.  A time to eat too much. 

I keep being asked, "Are you ready for Christmas?" "Did you get your tree up yet?" "Did you get your shopping done?". To all of those questions I hesitantly answer no. I thought I'd feel more "Christmas-y" when the snow came, when December arrived, when I attempted to put up decorations, or when I bought a few gifts.

But I don't.

Go right ahead and call me the Grinch. I don't mind.

I just can't do it this year. I am overwhelmed by the crisis happening in the world around us. Countries are in turmoil. Children are being shot in their own homes in Aleppo, people. I read yesterday, "This is not the first time that the West has looked on and done nothing. It is the first time we have watched it happen in real time." That shakes me to the core. I promise you they aren't worried about getting their shopping done. These are our brothers and sisters. These are our neighbours. How can we sit idly by?

This is not a Merry Christmas for the people facing famine in Ethiopia right now.
This is not a Merry Christmas for the people risking their lives at Standing Rock.
This is not a Merry Christmas for the thousands of people left homeless after Hurricane Matthew crashed through Haiti.
It's not a Merry Christmas for the homeless in this very town and all over our country.

We are the minority here, friends. There is more hurt than healed in our world today.

I have to say I am TIRED of seeing fellow brothers and sisters in Jesus post complaints about our Prime Minister "letting" all of 'these refugees' into our country. I am tired of complaints of our money being used to support other countries. I am thankful to be a country that reaches out.

 As someone wiser than I put it, "Bible verses prove that politicians who loudly profess their Christian faith while denying aid to strangers, healthcare to the poor, food to the hungry, the right of women to control their own bodies, are actually violating the basic tenets of Christianity. Anyone who identifies as a Christian or who swears an oath on the Bible should be the loudest voices in favor of helping Syrian refugees."

I'm tired of the hate, the judgement, and the Facebook arguments. I am tired of it.
We are all human. We are all responsible. We are their only hope.

Here is what Jesus has to say in Matthew 25 from the Voice translation.

 King: You shall be richly rewarded, for when I was hungry, you fed Me. And when I was thirsty, you gave Me something to drink. I was alone as a stranger, and you welcomed Me into your homes and into your lives. I was naked, and you gave Me clothes to wear; I was sick, and you tended to My needs; I was in prison, and you comforted Me. Even then the righteous will not have achieved perfect understanding and will not recall these things.

Righteous: Master, when did we find You hungry and give You food? When did we find You thirsty and slake Your thirst? When did we find You a stranger and welcome You in, or find You naked and clothe You? When did we find You sick and nurse You to health? When did we visit You when You were in prison?

King: I tell you this: whenever you saw a brother or sister hungry or cold, whatever you did to the least of these, so you did to Me. 

At that He will turn to those on His left hand.

King: Get away from Me, you despised people whom My Father has cursed. Claim your inheritance—the pits of flaming hell where the devil and his minions suffer. For I was starving, and you left Me with no food. When I was dry and thirsty, you left Me to struggle with nothing to drink. When I was alone as a stranger, you turned away from Me. When I was pitifully naked, you left Me unclothed. When I was sick, you gave Me no care. When I was in prison, you did not comfort Me.

Unrighteous:  Master, when did we see You hungry and thirsty? When did we see You friendless or homeless or excluded? When did we see You without clothes? When did we see You sick or in jail? When did we see You in distress and fail to respond?

King: I tell you this: whenever you saw a brother hungry or cold, when you saw a sister weak and without friends, when you saw the least of these and ignored their suffering, so you ignored Me.

I'd say the message is pretty clear. 

I'm not saying we should cancel Christmas. It is [supposed to be] the celebration of Jesus, after all. But must we buy [totally unnecessary] gifts for each other to celebrate... Him? Do you think that's how he would want to be celebrated? Do you think He'd be putting up lights and a tree and drinking egg nog? I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say- probably not. I understand that it is easier to turn your eye and buy another gift and not change a thing. I 100% admit that I don't have this all mastered and figured out. But I feel so deeply convicted, shaken, and broken that I will not keep my mouth shut any longer. I won't add another item to my list. I won't just share the link on Facebook. 

This morning on pinterest (very spiritual, I know) I saw a picture with the words "I used to wonder why no one did anything about the hard things. Then one day I realized- I am someone." 

What if we actually lived like each person we encountered daily was Jesus Christ? What if we actually made HIS birthday about HIM this year? What if we actually lived the way He asked us to? 

We 'celebrate' the day He came to show us how to live and die for us. 

And then we live the rest of the year safe and warm and dry. 

Let's change that. 

Wait, what?

I have been sitting here watching this blank page as if waiting for my thoughts to jump out of my head onto this page and write themselves.

There are many reasons I can think of to not write today. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to see the views on this page of all of the mystery people who I know will read my thoughts and cares. But I cling to the hope that one person can relate, be encouraged, or even just have one of those raw, open, human moments. We seem to lack those these days. 

When my life was adventurous, foreign, new, and wildly unpredictable I had no problem sharing my everyday lessons with all who wanted to hear them. I have been believing the lie that my life here is no longer an adventure, but I now see how horribly untrue this is. Life, each and every single moment of it, when lived the way Jesus wishes, is ALWAYS an adventure. He is constantly shaping, constantly showing up, and always speaking. 

I feel as though I say "Wait, what?" either verbally or internally roughly 100 times per day. The common everyday parts of my life still blow me away. It often feels as though I am finally getting the hang of this adult thing, and all of a sudden something changes. A relationship breaks, a job changes, more bills come, someone moves, snow falls. Forever changing. I doubt I'll ever get the hang of it. It truly is an uphill battle. I'm not sure whats at the top of said hill. 

While I remain confident that God has called us to be in this in between season right now, I struggle with the why. But I rejoice in the way that He has always blown my mind with the way He brings it all together every time. I am learning about His consistency. There are so many times in any given day that things don't go as planned, but how very lovely it is to know that He is still the same. Life looks absolutely nothing like I would have expected it to right now, but I can rejoice because Jesus is still on the throne. I rejoice because seasons change. I rejoice because He knows the desires of my heart. I rejoice in the simple gospel. And I repent of putting limitations on my God. He is at work. The earth is His and everything in it [Psalm 24:1].  

I have this vision of myself holding a sign that says the words, "Work in progress." 

I love this idea. If a construction site says, "Work in progress"- the message is clear. It is unfinished, but no one expects it to be complete . There is change, anticipation of whats to come, and an understanding that where it stands now is not where it will stay. I am a work in progress. God is challenging me to be okay with that. He is challenging me to view others through that same lens. We change daily, but praise God that He is the same. 

A wise lady once told me that "The day you stop learning, you're either prideful or you're dead." There is so much to learn. I refuse to waste time.  

The blog I don't know how to write.

Since I started this blog, I've never gone this long without writing.

It has been 5 months since I've sat and written out my thoughts. It's not because I haven't had time or haven't wanted to write- I just didn't know what to say. I still don't. So here it goes. 

The past five months have been a wild, reckless, beautiful adventure and I wouldn't change a thing. In June we moved to Canada to start a new season after spending a relaxing, refreshing, wonderful month in Mexico. It was the sweetest of blessings to see where my man grew to be the love of my life, meet the parents at the core of all his stories, and eat all of the tacos. All of them. I could go on all day about the instant home I found and the gift it was to experience somewhere new- but I won't. I am so thankful to now forever have a home there. 

The summer was memorable. We were planning our wedding, filling out paperwork for permanent residency, and adjusting to Canada. It was a whirlwind. There was blood (mostly Ivan's), sweat (mostly mine), and lots of tears (also mine). 

We learned, we laughed, and we grew. 

Then , finally, September 3rd, 2016 came. The day I married my best friend. The day we dreamed of, planned, and prayed over for months.

The week leading up to our wedding is a blur. (Shout out to Sara Landry for putting up with both of us through meltdowns and late nights of crafting. You the real MVP.) It was the best day ever. It was truly special. I don't have the words quite yet to say anything more. Some of my very favourite moments captured are attached at the end of this blog. It is a beautiful adventure to dream with Ivan. I love him more each day. 

If you've read my blogs, I believe you'll mostly find that they are stories of something currently on my heart, a lesson that I'm learning, a challenge for others, or a conviction that God has given me. But this time it is not. I don't really know what I'm learning in this season. I know that there is change more than I like to face, there is a many unanswered questions as we wait and apply for permanent residency, and I know that it is hard to be where your heart is not. But I also know that God is present with us. And I know that He has blessed me with the best man by my side to walk through this journey. I know that He has called us for such a time as this. After all, if life was comfortable and predictable, why would we need a God to trust? He is a good Father and He is faithful to complete what He starts. Every time. 

Several people have asked me over the past while, "Is your life the way you thought it would look right now?" and I smile. The answer is always, "Nope. Thankfully, it's nothing like I planned."

The other line I've heard over and over is, "Oh so you're ready to settle down?" "You got the traveling out of your system?" I'm afraid it's just gotten into my system. We are not interested in a normal life. Plain and simple. I will not settle for anything less than what He desires for my life. It's been years since I have fit into the stereotypes and done what is expected of me. Why start now?  I am lucky enough to have been given a man who is passionate about change, about reaching the lost and the hurting, who's heart burns for missions, and who dreams as big as I do. We only get one shot at this life. There is no time to waste. We will not stop until every eye has seen and every tongue confessed that He is Lord.

I wouldn't change a thing, friends. It's been a journey. It's been painful at times. But each friendship, each dream, each thought, and each day has become so much more of an adventure as I place it into His hands. It hasn't made sense. He doesn't make sense. Now, I am sure that we don't have it all figured out. But I encourage you to take the step out of the ordinary and embrace all that He has for you. I promise it'll be so worth it. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1u15rLnL9Gc 

                               

*insert title here*

I can't think of a name for this blog. Forgive me. 

I sit in this cafe today reflecting on His crazy goodness. He's taken my dreams and carried them further then I ever could have. He's told me no, and replaced what I wanted with something so much better. He is faithful.

I can't figure remember well enough to count anymore, but I have come and gone to my treasured Republica Dominicana somewhere around 12 times now. The first 4 times, I would come back and be disgusted and angry at the amount of material things that I owned and that surrounded me. The desire for more things drove me closer to crazy. I wanted others to share the same burn in my heart and help me motivate others into movement. I wanted others to be angry with me. Praise God that He did give me some close people who shared the heart that I did. But somewhere around trip #7 or 8, I realized that I will not change the world. I can change mine, though. I cannot move others, but I can move myself. I can keep speaking even when it seems like no one is listening. I can keep making the choices He leads me to, even when others judge and do not understand. 

Now, don't hear what I'm not saying; the things that angered me then still angry me now. It is NOT okay to live extravagantly while other's go without (1 John 3:17). It is not okay to turn away and to accept that God's children are dying all over the world and we are doing nothing about it (Proverbs 28:27). He hasn't stopped caring about them and we shouldn't either. In fact, we should probably start caring about them. Because it seems we never did that. 

I can now walk into a grocery store and not feel like throwing up because of the excess surrounding me. I have learned to hold my tongue and not jump to conclusions about others. I have learned to chose grace when I find myself listening to others complain about things that aren't eternally significant. It may have become normal, but it has not become okay. It will never be okay. Please don't hear that I think I have it all figured out. I'm not even close. But as He convicts me, I must speak it out. Because this is just how I express myself. Let's care. Let's love. Let's go.

Oh Lord, give me faith to task one more step closer to You everyday. Give me grace when others don't understand and the peace to know when to explain, and when to keep quiet. Remind me daily that Your thoughts are higher than mine. Let us love your people today better than we did yesterday. Let us be fearless to live radically like Jesus did. Amen.

to infinity and beyond

I'm at a total loss of how to begin this post, but I know I must speak about what He's doing in my heart. If this makes little sense, I apologize in advance for my whirlwind heart. 

I reflect on the way my life looked even one year ago, and I am astounded by what He has done. I go through my journals, my prayers, and my cries out to God. I laugh at my own silly heart and rejoice in the way He has pieced together each story and lesson so perfectly- as only He can do. I cry as some of those prayers were answered in ways I cannot understand, ways that hurt my human heart. I am burdened as I pray over the same situations that still feel far too big for this little girl. But over all, I sit amazed at the way He's rearranged my dreams, my fears, and my failures into this journey I call my life. But there's so much more to do. More hands to hold, more miracles to see, more souls to meet my Jesus. 

I catch myself day dreaming and praying for children in villages that I know I will never see again. I find myself dreaming about restoration and provision where I serve. I find myself giving away things I once thought I 'needed' as He shows me all I need is more of Him. I laugh as my dreams of a big cozy house with lots of land and a successful job have been replaced with dreams a small house that is so full of love it spills over to the neighbours and to the entire community. I am convicted by verses that I once skimmed past. 

A year ago this month I set foot for the first time in a place called Batey Esperanza and I fell in love. It was once the city dump, the kids throw rocks, they say bad words, it's full of garbage, witchcraft is so present, and the poverty is undeniable. But God. I came to serve this place and to offer the little that I have in teaching in the school, but I have learned far more than I have taught. 

This weekend we were able to go to another Batey about an hour away with a group from the church in Esperanza. These very same people who have close to nothing, sacrificed to go to others who are also in need. They could have thrown a party at the church. They could have had a youth outing. They could have gathered an eaten a meal together. But they gathered onto a bus, cooked their own food, brought clothing, gifts, and His presence to a community in Jesus name. Their loving community is real. They serve together. The poor serving the poor. There is no more beautiful thing. 

"Suppose there are brothers or sisters who need clothes and don’t have enough to eat. What good is there in your saying to them, “God bless you! Keep warm and eat well!” – if you don’t give them the necessities of life?"-James 2:15-16. 

Church- I find myself angry at times. I am only human. I do not believe that I have it all figured out (dude, I'm not even close), but I do know that there are people all over the world who are dying while we build bigger buildings, sound systems, and improve our fellowship groups. I do not believe we are all called to go- please don't hear that- but I do believe we are all called to give. 

"Rich people who see a brother or sister in need, yet close their hearts against them, cannot claim that they love God." -1 John 3:17 

Friends, we are the rich ones. If you can read this, have a computer or phone to read it on, there's a good chance that you are among the richest people in the world. Mairi included. 

About two years ago I walked past a homeless lady in my hometown. She asked me for money, and knowing that I only had a 20 in my pocket, I told her today I couldn't give. Walking away, my mind raced with the possibilities of things she could possibly do with that money- spend it on drugs or alcohol- and my judgemental thoughts continued like so. Like I said- still human. Later that day God spoke to me. Days later, I saw her again. And that time He spoke loudly and told me to give what I had- another 20. While maybe that money made a small difference to her, I'm sure it changed me more. God didn't ask me to give it to her to change her life. He asked me to give it to her to change my heart. He spoke and said, It doesn't matter what she does with that money. I don't care about money. Give generously. I care about her and I care about you. 

"For he will deliver the needy who cry out, the afflicted who have no one to help. He will take pity on the weak and the needy and save the needy from death. He will rescue them from oppression and violence, for precious is their blood in his sight." -Psalm 72:12-14

I grew up hearing how I was fearfully and wonderfully made, that I had purpose, and a that there is a God who loves me. I am so grateful that these words are true. But we must also learn to accept the truths in His word that don't make us feel warm and fuzzy. Let's take His other words seriously. Church, He also said, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.'" (Luke 18:22)

Shane Claiborne said, “We do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy named Nicodemus. But if you tell me I have to be born again to enter the Kingdom of God, I can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy, too. But I guess that's why God invented highlighers, so we can highlight the parts we like and ignore the rest.”

Come on, church. Let's go outside our homes and our church builds. Let's change the world. We were created for such a time as this.

One.

March 1st marked one year of living in the Dominican Republic. It's been a year of growth, of new experiences, and of change. If a year ago I had a snapshot of what my life would look like right now, I probably would have just gone home. But here we are. What an adventure.

I have learned that regardless of well-meaning planning and my own ideas, His will always overcomes my pride. His plans don't seem to be much affected by mine. That's for the best.

I have learned that I can hold my breath for a really long time when walking around San Pedro on garbage day. Seriously- it smells so bad.

This year I have fallen in love with a man who loves Jesus deeply & consistently seeks His will and His best for our lives. He shows me Godly leadership, unmatched patience, and unexpected dance moves on the daily. He also loves donuts as much as me- so that's like, really great. He takes my fear of cockroaches seriously, so I'm gunna keep him.

I have learned that there are people who will try to control and to plan your life, claiming they know "what's best for you". While [often] well meaning, His voice is the one we are asked to obey. People won't understand, but don't worry, they didnt understand Him either. Jesus asks us to do things that don't make sense. Do those things. Always.

I have learned that you should always try and find the older moto taxi driver in the group, because if they've lived to still be driving motorcycles, they're probably not too bad of a driver. So far my theory has not failed.

I have learned that running water is not a right, but a privilege. And even though my showers are painfully cold, I thank God because running water is a blessing many do not know.

I have learned that I am not impressed or drawn to big fancy churches, cool power points, fake smiles, or university degrees. I am drawn to the physically poor who are the spiritually rich, and I have learned far more about my God sitting in homes with dirt floors and leaky roofs than I have in Sunday mornings. These are the places my God abides. These are people He wants to meet with. I'm sorry if this offends you.

This year I have rented my first apartment in a foreign country in my second language. I love this place. I have learned to treasure a quiet place that is mine, a cup of coffee alone with Jesus in the morning, and a place to cry or retreat to when all seems wild (which is often).

I have learned to let my heart break for the needs that surround me. Some days I cry myself to sleep because of the need I see everyday. But I cannot just close my eyes and pretend they're not there. He cares for 'the least of these'. He takes the pieces and puts them back together. Jesus cared, loved, Jesus felt, Jesus wept.

I have learned that having a puppy is awesome. It's not awesome when he eats your entire meal before you turn around or when he takes literally all of the pillow stuffing out of where it belongs or when he pees right on your lap, but it is awesome when he wiggles his whole body with joy just because he's literally your biggest fan. Shout out to Elmo for being my faithful little weirdo and making the mornings a little more exciting.

I have learned the difference between want and need. I'm just going to leave it at that.

I have learned that material things are replaceable, while trust is not. I now know how violating it feels to be stolen from and I never want to feel it again.

I have learned to try to forgive quickly, because I know the wedge and the pain that unforgiveness causes.

I have learned that life changes all too fast and to hug the ones I love so close, because you never know what could change tomorrow.

I have learned that often, even with a world seeming so close through social media, the problem is often that it's not that people don't care about each other; it's that they simple do not know the pain going on in our world. They don't know what it's like to have people offer you their children because they're so desperate or what it's like to hold a malnourished child who hasn't eaten in days. It's not that they don't care, it's that they don't know. So I will continue to share their stories and lift their voices until they're heard.

I have learned to rejoice in small victories, in smiles on faces who have seemed to have forgotten how to smile, in being able to see families reunite, and to see food on tables that were once bare. Jesus rejoices over one. One is important to Him.

So I'll keep stopping, keep loving, and keep looking for the one that He sees. Just for one.

One year is over already. The hardest and the best year of my life, undoubtably.

"And if even one person sees the love of Christ in me, it is worth every minute.

 In fact, it's worth spending my life for." 

-Katie Davis. 

hope

Yesterday we stopped in to visit a family that I love deeply. The mother lost her vision at 16 years old. Her oldest son is Alex- 19, Gerald- 17, Wonder- 10, and Jennifer- 6. She has never seen their beautiful eyes and their sweet smiles. Gerald lost his vision at 5 years old. Two out of four living in their house are blind.

The oldest son, Alex, is addicted to drugs and spends his days on the streets. He has been involved with prostitution, violence, and crime since a young age. The younger siblings and the mom are afraid of him. He steals from them and sells their few belongings on the streets to support his drug habits.

Gerald is genuine and kind. He is curious and an overcomer. He loves learning and got the highest marks in his entire school in his national exams. He asks many questions and wants to soak up all the information he can. He reminds me of what faith is.

Wonder is beautiful. His smirk lights up an entire room and he has a pure servant's heart. His mom told me yesterday that Wonder is her "cane" and she would be lost without him. He is mature and responsible far beyond his 10 years. He loves baseball, school, and fried chicken.

Little Jenny will change the world. At 6, she is fearless. Last week she got her tonsils out and when I asked her if it hurt she said "No, it was awesome. I got to watch a lot of TV and drink gatorade. My favourite's red." She can count to 10 in english & french and she has personality like no little girl I have ever met before. Her mom calls her "mi alegria" or " my joy". She is overflowing with life and with joy.

I am amazed by them. I love walking up to their door and saying only one word and they know exactly who it is by my voice. Their hugs are strong and their hearts are stronger. Their home has always been a place that reminds me of victory, of hope, and of resilience. Yesterday we were welcomed into their home to find that they are hurting, they are scared, and they are losing hope. Their landlord has told them they have to move and they have no where to go. They have no income and food is scarce. They are afraid to leave their home because people steal from them. No one should live with these kinds of fears.

As we were leaving, little Wonder grabbed my hand and took me outside. He asked me quietly if I had plans that afternoon. I told him no. He said that he had a baseball game and wanted us to come watch him. He told me all the other kids have families there that watch them play. We promised him we'd see his game and it was the first time in a long time that he really seemed like a 10 year old to me.

He played like a star and told his coach that we were there to watch, and they put him up to bat first.


Yesterday we prayed and we cried with them. My heart hurts for this family and I am believing in brighter days. I am believing in not only a safe house, but a safe home. I am believing in the God who loves them far more than I can to come through for them. I am believing in Him to restore their hope. I am believing in a solution and for guidance. I am believing in Him to use my hands and feet to show how radically He loves them and every single person I meet. I am so small but He is so big.

"Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him." -

-1 Corinthians 2:9.

Mom, Jenny, Gerald, and Wonder. 

Wonder all ready for his game. 

That smirk.

joy. 

I quit.

Warning: vulnerable post below. I pray that my struggles may encourage others on this same journey I find myself living. 

Today I quit.

I quit limiting myself within what is safe and reasonable and I will believe in accomplishing the impossible because “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.”

I quit believing that the opinions of other’s matter and finding worth in earthly relationships, and believe that He thinks I am wonderful and loves me- regardless of what I have done. “I have loved you with an everlasting love.”

I quit feeling the need to explain or justify where I have been wronged or have wronged others, and allow Him to fill in the gaps that hurt and loneliness leave in one’s heart. “Behold, I am with you, even until the end.”

I quit allowing insecurity and past failures to hold me back, and to walk in the freedom that in my weakness He is my strength. “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I quit judging others on their choices and struggles, because I know that I am also imperfect. I know that He is still working in them as He is in me. He said, “Do unto others as you would have them do until you”.

Today I quit letting bitterness, regret, and hurt quietly control my thoughts, and chose to immerse myself in the grace that is freely MINE and has saved my life.

Today I quit listening to the voices that tell me I cannot, that I am un-forgiveable, un-shapable, and un-usable, and remember that He has fearfully and wonderfully created me in His image and prepared a place for me at His table. To call myself -and anyone else- anything less is to discredit the work of His hands.

And tomorrow, I will quit these things again. Probably the next day, too.

Today I quit the idea that becoming like Jesus is a quick process. I have decided to follow and to strive to be like Him, one area of my life at a time. I embrace failure, because He embraces me. Taking up my cross, and moving forward. It’s heavy and somedays I don’t want to, but He did it for me. He knows my inward thoughts and speaks life over the dark words that threaten to steal my joy. I am learning to choose what He thinks over what other’s think of me every single morning. And then again at lunch time, throughout the afternoon, and when I can’t sleep at night. He has called me lovely and righteous, so I will walk in truth.

And again I go before the throne with the same issue that creeps its way back in to my heart. Somewhere inside me fears that God will say, “Aren’t you over this yet? Come on Mairi, that’s old news.” as often we hear from the voices around us. But when you come before Him, He already knows the very thing that’s stealing your joy. He is patient to hear, to love, and to remind us of His truth-as many times as it takes- to sink deep and replace the lies that feel irreplaceable. Because He loves me. He loves me.

Today I quit expecting perfection of myself and of those around me, and rememeber that He is the perfect One and He loves me where I am, and too much to leave me here.

By faith

The words "By faith" are used over 20 times in Hebrews 11. 

Faith can be defined (thanks dictionary.com) as "belief that is not based on proof" or "confidence or trust in a person or a thing". 

If I'm being honest, there are things that I find easy to let God control and things I would much rather hold onto. Bank accounts, relationships, future planning- these are things I would much rather control myself. But as I read over Hebrews 11, I am shaken over and over by the words I found there. 

God didn't say, "By strategic planning," 

He didn't say, "Because of financial security,"

He didn't use, "After months of confirmation," 

And He definitely didn't say, "Because it made sense," 

He said "By faith,". 

I've often heard this chapter of the Bible referred to as the "Faith hall of fame" or the "Heroes in the faith". I find this funny. When I think of a "Hall" of famous or outstanding people, they are often people who have done something extraordinary, therefore should be recognized for their actions. What I find in Hebrews 11 is not a list of people who did something completely outstanding in the eyes of The Father; rather a list of examples for us to follow. 

I've heard the story of Noah my whole life. It becomes repetitive and somehow seems normal to my brain. But it isn't normal. God asked Noah to build a freaking huge boat because there was going to be a flood. Did it make sense? Nope. Did people think he was out of his mind? Yes. Did he face being misunderstood? Yuh. Maybe Noah had times where he thought "Really, God? This is what You wanted me to do?" But what I see in the story is God saying, "Noah, do it this way." and Noah obeys. Every time. This was the kind of action that God called faithful. This is the kind of faith that deserved mentioning thousands of years later. 

God speaks- Noah does. It's really that simple. We complicate, we question, we doubt. But faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance in the things that we can not see. It's trusting the Creator to fill in the blanks that we do not comprehend, the same way He did for Noah, Abraham, for Moses, and for all of the ones we consider to be "heroes" in the faith. May we all strive for that kind of faith in Him. They left their homelands, they built boats (?!), they walked through oceans, they prayed for strangers and saw healing, they walked around buildings until they fell down, defeated giants, shut the mouths of lions, and they raised people from the dead! They did it all just because He said so. Noah didn't know that in 2016 we'd be using his life as a children's story worldwide. They didn't know the whole story. They took God's words seriously, and He blessed them and called them faithful. What greater reward is there? 

2 Corinthians talks about living by faith and not by sight. Do we do that? Do we believe in the parts of the story that God has promised? Or do we inwardly write our own story, for when people ask uncomfortable questions? I am guilty of feeling the need to fill in the blanks. Somehow we think we'd better have a backup plan in case He doesn't come through. 

Somehow this blog feels unfinished to me, but for today this is all I have to write. May we be challenged in our faith to not settle at comfort. I refuse to take His word lightly. 

What is He asking of you? Will you step into the world of unknows and uncertainty to obey the King of Kings? 

Just Mairi.

I am Mairi. Please do not hear this as a message of insecurity, but as a truth that has brought me into a freedom I cannot explain. I am just 20 years old. I am not qualified to do anything at all. I am an average human being with my normal struggles and normal fears. I come from a normal family with normal problems. I do not have a wild story of overcoming a hard past- I am just Mairi. I say and do the wrong things, I trust the wrong people, I have had my heart broken. I am weak and inadequate.

A year ago, God started working in my heart. He started challenging me to step out and to be willing to do something brave- something different. He began to call me to new things- things that didn’t make sense, and things I didn’t have the answers to. I was studying the Bible, preparing to be in ministry, living comfortably and quietly in my little world. But He started to speak to my heart. Well, He was always speaking. I just started to hear. December 26^th I flew home. To the place that has stretched me, has taught me, shaped me, and totally captured my heart. Getting off that plane I felt that familiar warm breeze and smell of Dominican air. “Home” my heart whispered. I had new experiences, made new friends, saw old ones, and fell in love all over again. The people are warm and resilient. They love deeply and fully- as tomorrow is not a promise. While their often plan-less lifestyle may seem irresponsible and careless, I feel we may have something to learn from them. I could tell story after story of children and families who amaze me as they grow and change. 8 years of hugs, of tears, of learning, of goodbyes and hellos, of loving, and of changes.

But then as quickly as I came, I left. I returned to school and my heart stayed behind.

“Go” He would say.

“It doesn’t make sense.”

“My ways are not your ways.”

“People will talk about me. They wont understand. They’ll ask questions.”

“Perfect love drives out fear.”

I didn’t sleep, I couldn’t focus. The beautiful girls I was surrounded by (you know who you are) heard hours of my heart battle my mind. My insecurities would yell out to me and I would listen to them. I would hear others voices over His. “But I thought God called you here?” “What are you going to do there?” “You need to be trained first.” “You seemed to be so happy here!”

I didn’t have the answers. In fact, I still don’t. But I know there’s no better place than obedience and believing in what you cannot see. He has provided for me in incredible ways. Jesus has shown up in the form of small children who walk holding my hands down garbage filled streets to the elderly who sit and share their stories with me.

292 days ago, I returned to the DR. These have been the most stretching 10 months of my life. But He knew where I would be today, and He knew every step along the way. I came back to serve at Youth With a Mission, San Pedro in March. I was there for 6 months and learned much. But again in the summer, He started to ask me to move. He showed me His heart, opened doors in places I cannot explain, and led me to Esperanza. I struggled again with the fears of being misunderstood- and I was. It was painful and challenging and lonely at times. But I know He was there for each night spent in tears, for each day I felt I just couldn’t go on, and through each decision. I am thankful that He has trusted me to serve in Esperanza. I am a dreamer, I’ll admit, and in July, I wrote out my dreams for this Batey. Today I sit in awe- as they have already been fulfilled. He amazes me. My eyes spilled over with tears in December as I hugged my girls and my new family saying “see you in a month”. They were not tears of sadness, for I will hug them again so soon, but tears of gratitude. A year ago I would have laughed if you had said to me, “Oh yes- in a year you’ll be living on your own in a busy city, teaching English, and traveling to and from a Batey outside the city on the back of a motorcycle daily.” But today I sit and can only laugh at the way He has been so very faithful.

I am Mairi. I am no one extraordinary- but please hear me- HE IS. I said yes to a God who has promised victory to those who love Him. I said yes to a God who is strong when I am weak, who calls the willing not the qualified, Who speaks to those who are willing to listen, who longs to be with His children, and who will not be satisfied under every ear has heard and every tongue confess that He is GOD. I wake up often and think, “Today I cannot. No. I can’t do this.” But He reminds me “You didn’t say yes to Mairi- you said yes to ME.”