such a time as this

An adventure- to say the very least. 

Jef, Ivan and I woke up with a full day of activities planned. We were to travel to Samana, about 3 hours North on the island, and explore a large waterfall called El Limon. We arrived to find out that because it had been raining for the past few days, that it was unadvisable to walk because of deep mud and water in places and we would need to take horses. When they saw me, they began to discuss amongst themselves that it would be best that I ride the mule (not to be confused with a donkey-my mistake) because I was so small. I laughed thinking they were joking. 

A few minutes later, I saw a mule being led my way. The joyful young man working there told me to get on. He reassured me that she was very calm and loved being ridden. So I got on, the guys got on their horses, and we went off. The sights were unreal and the guy leading me told me that regardless of how many times a day he sees the view- it never gets old. About half an hour later, we arrived at the waterfall. It was breathtaking- to say the least. I stood in awe of the creativity of Our Creator and was thankful to see the work of His hands. We swam and laughed and had little fish nibble at our feet for a while. On our way back, the guy leading me asked if he could play some music. He started to play an English worship song. "There is power, in the name of Jesus..." I smiled and asked him if he understood the song. He then played the same song in Spanish and sang along. I asked him if he attended a church. His face lit up and he told me about four months ago, he accepted Jesus. Two weeks prior he had been baptized in his church. He began to share with me about his family and their disapproval of his new way of life. He used to spend all his nights in the streets and was involved in drug trafficing. He told me that they believed church was a "waste of time" and "just a bunch of fairy tales". He told me he dreams of running a youth program in his church because he believes its crucial to reach teens. They open their church every night for worship, prayer, and fellowship because they believe that people so often are simply searching for a safe place. We talked about the Dominican church, the global church, and about hearing God's voice. My heart was so encouraged by his fresh excitement about what Christ is doing in his life. I was blessed to be able to speak over His influence in his family and pray with him- that God would use him in mighty ways, fulfill dreams, and continue to give him boldness in his faith. 

As we drove away, Esther 4:14 came to my heart. "Perhaps you were born for such a time as this.." I am so grateful for a God who gives us opportunities to talk and share about him. Not only with total strangers- but with the ones we love. I often look back and see the times I missed it, when I could have and should have spoken up- but He reminds me in those moments of His grace. 

Grace on grace on grace. 

Thank you Jesus for undeserved grace, for divine appointments, and for awesome mule-riding-waterfall-finding adventures. You're too good to me. 

Redefinition.

An encounter with a young boy on the street in the city last week left me speechless. I was walking down a road I have walked many times before, and a young boy, probably about 12, saw me coming and started walking faster towards me.

"Hey, give me money." 

"Sorry, I don't have change." 

"Don't lie to me.. You're white and I know you're rich." 

His words pierced my heart and anger swelled up inside me. I kept walking and couldn't look back at him. My mind filled with questions. Where did he hear that before? Where did we go wrong into leading these people to believe that as North Americans hold the financial answer to all their issues? Why can't I just walk down the street in peace? 

I thought back to another encounter I had, this time with a friend. He told me that being white was a blessing. The same feelings surfaced and emotions flooded. My skin colour is a BLESSING? It's SKIN. We're all the same inside. I fall, it gets cut- just like yours. But I smiled and let it slide, knowing that my words in that moment where not loving and definitely are not able to change generations of lies built up in this man's mind.

The undeniable truth is that I cannot blend in here. I cannot go into the city without being yelled to and groups of children wave and scream "Americana!" in any place I go. There are days I crave to fit in and to go unnoticed, but for now I have been called to this place where I am chronically a misfit. But one word stands out to me- a word that I feel God has asked me to redefine for my life.

Blessing. 

Yes, being Canadian has given me tools and resources to call on that are simply not a reality for many here. Finishing school was a given, I never doubted where my food would come from, or feared being rejected medical care. But these things are a different reality (and many times a preferred reality), I am not "more blessed" because of them. Material things are not the object of heavenly blessing. I am blessed because of the saving grace of Jesus and His finished work on the cross.

I don't know why my skin is white or why I was born in Canada, but I do know that those questions will have to wait until I can ask Jesus myself. I have not been placed above anyone else in His eyes, nor will I ever be. My financial security is not a blessing, my yellow house in Canada is not a blessing, my Canadian passport is not a blessing. I am blessed because I know a God who left everything comfort to sit and cry with the hurting ones. I am blessed because I know that He is coming back again. I am blessed because He is a God who speaks to His children. And I am blessed, because He loves me.

May we grasp the meaning of this word and not use it in a way that threatens to minimize the level of faith in the developing world. May we understand the blessing we have already been given, and know that it is finished because He said so. 

Take some time to read Matthew 5:3-11. Jesus makes clear those who are blessed in His eyes.

ten thousand reasons

Thanksgiving: the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of ones benefits or favours, especially to God. An expression of thanks.

I have been back in the home of my heart for a week now. I sit in my living room and I cannot help but be grateful. It is well with my soul. While I miss turkey dinner with my massive and wild family, I have so much to be thankful for. 

I am thankful for my family, though they are far. I miss my mama's cookies, uncalled for hugs, and the way she listens. I miss my dad's jokes, his consistency, and the way he loves deeply. I miss my brother's silly and simple heart, our united love for coffee, and the way he dreams without limits. I love you guys. Jesus left a heavenly place with His Father to be with the people He loved dearly. So as I miss them, I find rest in knowing He understands and is with me and with them. 

I am thankful for my sweet, crazy boyfriend. He challenges me daily to listen harder to His voice and inspires me to trust my whole life into Jesus' hands. He knows what it is to be away from family, from comfort, and from anything familiar. He understands my heart better than I do some days and I thank Jesus for him, because He is a true gift. I love the way His heart is for the poor and how He selflessly gives of himself. 

I am thankful for the hope I see here. I am thankful for the uncalled for moments of my days, like holding little hands, when the power goes out, and the warm greetings of total strangers. I am grateful for the way of life here and how it shakes the way I do things. Tomorrow isn't a promise, and Jesus says to let tomorrow worry about itself. How humbling is it knowing I control nothing in this world? I am thankful for how small I am and how GREAT He is. 

I am thankful for the simple comforts of home, like oreos, bagels, and apples. I am grateful for the month I was able to spend in Canada and the way He brought refreshment to my heart. 

I am grateful for coffee, the ocean, fans, clean water, and a roof over my head. I am grateful for fresh fruit, the ability to dream, music, and a beating heart. May it beat in line with His each day. 

And I am thankful for choices. I have been given a free will. But so much more than that, I'm thankful for His call. A call to a people that are not my own and to a country that I have grown to love deeply. It is a joy to walk in His will. 

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

-1 Thess. 5:18

a simple truth

I struggle to try and understand all that the gospel envelopes. Against all expectation, it has not become more complicated to me, but more simple. It's always been simple. Of course, my human mind will never be able to fully grasp all that it means. Jesus has given up everything for me, and I will never be able to repay that. Regardless of my efforts, I will never make Him love me more and He will never love me less. He gave His life for me knowing I would never be able to pay Him back. 

Still my mind says, Why would I give up my time, money, and efforts? Why would I continue to work with children and people who will never repay me? Why do I continue to walk this way after everyone else doubts His goodness? Why would I give anymore?

And He tells me, "Because I did it first." 

He gave it all, fully knowing that I can never pay that back. So I venture back to the place where need overwhelms me, and I will continue to give. Because He gave for me. As another hurts me, I will forgive. Because He forgave me. As another tests my patience, I will continue to be patient. Because He's been so patient with me. And as I teach lessons, I will learn them. Because He continues to teach me. I will walk with others because He's walked with me. I will hold hands and hearts as long as they need- because He's held mine. I did nothing to deserve what Jesus did for me, but if I do nothing in response to what Jesus has done for me, how can I say I understand what He's done? 

"All I can try to do for others is that which Jesus has done for me." 

Today.

I sit here and I reflect. Suitcases packed & ready to go tomorrow morning.

This summer has been a whirlwind of emotions and events. There have been ups and there have been downs. I am grateful for His consistency through all. I have learned much over the past months. I have learned that only He will forever be there for you. I have learned where my limits are and the importance of Sabbath. I have learned that without exception, it is better to give than to receive. I have learned how quickly all things can change. I have learned how quickly trust can be broken. I have learned how people quickly jump to conclusions. I have learned to chase my dreams- even if that leaves you alone. I have learned to listen for His voice harder and to act when He speaks. I have learned to speak the truth even when my voice shakes.

And I have learned of His faithfulness.

I cannot even explain the situations and the things that have brought me to the place where I am right now- nor would I want to. For I love and serve a God who is unexplainable and unpredicatable who works out all things for the good of those who love Him.

Tomorrow I go “home” to Canada for a short time, but my heart will stay here with the people who have captured it long ago. I am excited to hug the ones I love most and to be understood without explanation. I am blessed to have the most supportive family and friends encourage me from home as I walk on this adventure. Today I am grateful that Jesus’ opinion on me will never change, because He looks to the heart. I am grateful that despite me, He uses me. I am grateful that He heals, He restores, and He loves. Every time.

And so tomorrow I continue moving forward, because I know who goes before me. And I know that He is faithful, still.

to you

To you- whoever you may be.

I woke up with a heavy heart for the weary and the lost this morning. But more specifically, for someone individual. I'm not sure who you are- but these words are for you. I feel sad and my heart hurts for those who do not know that there is hope bigger than they can see. I know that there is someone who will read this and I pray that you hear the words that your Creator wants you to hear. Let His love wash over you and bring you peace.

1) He cares. He cares about your situation, your weariness, and He, unlike others, wants to hear you out. He listens when you do not even have the words to speak. He hears the things your tears say. He knows exactly where you're at and He is right there with you. He has not forgotten you and you are precious and honoured in His sight. Cast your cares on Him, for He cares for you.

2) He is constant. The God who breathed out stars is the same God who whispers over you, "I am the same- yesterday, today, & tomorrow." While everything around you shakes and crumbles, Jesus remains. He is constant through inconstancy and faithful through the trials.

3) He has overcome. The struggles you face today have already been won. The battle is finished and our victory lies in the King of all. You will not be defeated. We are more than conquerors in Him. Satan is as weak as He is STRONG. His is the victory. The enemy has been defeated.

In this day, know that you are chosen and loved. My heart is broken and I don't even know who you are. Please know that the God of all loves YOU with a unconditional love. A love that hopes, is patient & kind, and keeps NO record of wrongs. He's faithful forever, perfect in love. He is sovereign over us.

Jesus replied, "You don't understand now what I am 

doing, but someday you willl."

 -John 13:7.

bind my wandering heart to Thee

I have to say this is the first time I have sat here looking at the screen completely at a loss of what to say. The past few months have been a whirlwind and not what I have expected.

A wise man once told me, "Expectation can bring disappointment", and those words have run true in my heart time and time again. I catch myself thinking, "But this isn't what I wanted. This isn't what I thought it would be.." And again, I'm humbled by how small I am and how great He is. My expectations create discouragement in my own heart, and I am unable to see what He sees. My little eyes cannot see into tomorrow like His. My little heart is weak and easily discouraged, but He is not.

Who am I to say to the One who breathed out stars that this isn't what I wanted? To you, Jesus, I surrendered. I am learning that means daily giving up what I thought this life would look like. At 12 years old, I said yes to Him. That means today I say yes again. In the small things and in the big things, I must learn to say yes time and time again.

I am thankful for a God who allows me to dream and to dream big. May my dreams line up with Yours for this world, Jesus. May my heart beat with Yours. I wait in expectation for what You want, not for what I want.

This song is my prayer each day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYrTqBioaZ4

"Here's my heart, Lord

Take and seal it.." 

where you go, I'll go

A few days after we finished our project in Batey Esperanza, me and a few others stopped in to do a few things. We drove up to where we had been building, and I saw a shoe-less little boy running and playing in front of our newly finished building. Angel :) I got out of the car and waited for him to see me. He ran over and gave me a hug as if he hadn't seen me in years. I asked him the normal questions and then I asked him if he wanted to go do the things we had come to do. He looked at me with fear in his big eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"...Are you going too?"

"Of course!"

"Oh. Yes I want to go with you." 

He looked at me with excitement as I lifted him into our big, loud, green truck. He looked around and then looked at me and smiled. We got to the house and I got out. I put my hands out to pick him up and he just sat there looking at me. 

"Come on! Let's go!" 

"But I like it right here." 

"But you have to come. This is where we're going!" 

".. Okay." 

He got out and held my hand as we walked to the house. I picked him up over the rocky part as he didn't have shoes. Kids started following us as we walked (as usual). They were laughing and making fun of him. "Why is she carrying you?" "Are you scared?" "Are you a baby?" "Why are you here?" "Where are you going?" 

He cuddled into my shoulder and closed his eyes, as if he couldn't hear them. 

He whispered, "I'm going with her. And I don't know where." 

I took Angel into the house with me and he held him in my arms. As we left and took him back to where we found him, God spoke to my heart. 

"Mairi.. be like Angel."

[And he said: Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.] 
-Matthew 18:3

Jesus, I want to go where you go. I don't know where that is, but I know that if you're there- I'll go. And when I get used to where I am, Lord, and you call me to do something else- I'll go there too. I won't stay in the truck when you want me to get out. I will block out the other voices when they don't understand. I will go with you- just because you're going. I know that you will carry me when I cannot go alone. I know that you go before. I know that you would not hurt me. Jesus, let me be more like Angel. Let me trust you more. 

I left my heart in Esperanza.

In March, we were building three houses in a community called Batey Esperanza. I can't tell you why, but that place intrigued me. The kids were constantly fighting, throwing rocks, saying bad words, and being disrespectful. But I was drawn to them. I wanted to hold them and say, "Why are you angry? What happened to you that made you this way?" The pastor that works in that community runs a school and a church and various feeding programs. Her love for Esperanza is contagious. She has far more dreams than memories. 

We finished building and didn't go back there for a while. One day, me and Court called Pastora Mercedes and we wanted to go see her ministry. We sat with her and talked for a while. We asked her what her greatest needs were and she mentioned she had recently purchased an old house that she wanted to turn into a classroom to teach girls practical skills like sewing, hairdressing, cooking, and nails. Prostitution is beyond control there. She told us she needed to paint the building before they'd be able to do anything there. So we told her we'd do it, and we went on our way.

We weren't able to go back there for a while because things on the base were busy and Mercedes was patient knowing we would come when we could. On this past Tuesday, we went to check out the place to know just how much paint we would need. What we found was a need far greater than paint could cover. Mercedes hammered opened the door and welcomed us in with excitement. The electricity hung from the roof onto a window that didn't open. The walls were covered in holes and spider webs. We walked around to the back to find more windows that were broken and not openable and some termite eaten doors. The roof was collapsing in places and was open and exposed. Where others saw worthless, she saw potential. She explained to us how she didn't have the money to do anything with it yet, but she was so excited about it. The first thing she wanted to do was fix the roof which was going to cost about 8,000 pesos (about $225.00). She told us she was going away to a conference for three days, but she'd be back friday. She left the keys with us and we left Esperanza full of crazy, exciting ideas. We went home and made a list of materials that we would need. 4 new doors, 4 new windows, paint, hole filler, cement, paint brushes, rollers, cleaning supplies, and so many more. God provided money and the next day we packed the back of our truck and went to Esperanza. 

As soon as we got the doors open, people filled the sidewalk full of questions. One man showed up and asked us immediately about the roof. "Are you going to fix that?" "Well, we aren't sure yet.""I know a guy who does that. Do you want me to go get him?" "Yeah sure." We started working and a man showed up at the door. He walked in and looked around. "How much would it cost to fix this?" "I'll do it for 1,500 pesos." "Done!" He started and finished within 5 hours. 

We left and came home- tired, but not feeling successful. The next two days were long and truly exhausting. Kids were forever coming in and getting in the way and it was hotter than I can explain. But I truly believe Jesus multiplied our time and the building was completely changing right in front of our eyes. 

On the last day, Thursday, I was getting tired. I was frustrated because the tape had pulled some of the paint off the walls and we brought the wrong colour by mistake. I was hungry and hot. I heard crying. I looked out the window and I saw a little boy crying and limping down the street. I ran out to see him. "Whats wrong little boy? Why are you crying?" He looked at me with big eyes and I picked him up. He snuggled into my shoulder and cried for a while longer. When he stopped I asked again, "What happened?" "A man threw a rock at me." My heart hurt and anger overwhelmed me. This little boy couldn't have possibly done anything worthy of being treated that way. I gave him cookies and chips and he sat contently with me and ate them. I asked him a million questions and I totally fell in love with him. His name is Angel and his big eyes and cautious smile won my heart. He followed me around for the rest of the day and told me he loved me as I walked him home. I left my heart with Angel.

As we packed the truck to go around 7:30 Thursday night (way later than we planned), we locked a door and gave the keys to a local man who works in the church. Nothing can explain that feeling to me. Safety, security, transformation. Ivan commented on our way out, "I'm tired, but I also feel full of energy." My body was empty, but my heart was full. 

I am in love with this place and with these moments. I believe in this community and I believe in what this place will be used for. Pastora Mercedes be blessed, but I feel far more blessed. It is better to give than to receive. 

What we saw the first day. The first two doors are hers.

Electricity.

Windows that don't open and holey walls.

The back windows.

My sweet Angel.

Day 3 :) 

Inside!

The back windows :)

Miguel was a faithful little helper everyday. 

Our sunset leaving Esperanza.

the safest place to be |

Her name is Caela and yes- she stole my heart.

Last week while in a local community called Los Solares, one child in the group stood out to me. She was wandering off and talking to her dirty clothing-less little doll and constantly being called back by the leaders. When she looked at me, her eyes captured my whole attention. Deep, unique, kind, curious hazel eyes. I made my way over to her and bent down to talk with her.

"Hello, whats your name?"
"Caela. And my doll is named little girl."
"Oh, do you love her?"
"Yes, of course. She's my little princess."

The group was moving over to another spot and I turned to walk with everyone else. She grabbed my hand and walked with me. As the team we were with started their puppet show, she would not stop talking to me. I kept putting my finger to my lips and saying, "Shhh", and she would smile, shake her head, and pull my hand down. She motioned for me to bend down so she could talk into my ear.

"This little girl is my baby. I love her."

I smiled and I stood back up.

She told me she couldn't see the puppet show and motioned for me to lift her up. In the process of me picking her up, her little doll fell from her safe place in Caela's arms. Devastated little Caela jumped from my arms and quickly picked up her doll and held her close. She closed her eyes and squeezed her baby.

"Caela, is she okay? Did she get hurt?"
"She says she's sad. But she said she knows I still love her."

Tears filled my eyes and I picked her back up. Caela followed me everywhere I went and even trusted me to hold her baby for a minute when she went to play. She looked over every 15 or 20 seconds to check to see that I was taking care of her. She got some candy and ran over to show me. She had two suckers- one for her and one for little girl. I asked Caela if it would be okay for my boyfriend to hold her baby and she looked at me for a minute and said, "Is it safe there?" I said, "Do you think so?" She though for a minute and then said, "Yes, because I know you love my little girl too."

Her baby that she loved was hurt by something beyond her control, but she knew she was okay because Caela loved her. She was safe in that love. How much more am I safe in the love of my heavenly Father? She trusted me to love what she loved. She trusted me to love her little girl. Caela- you taught me more than you know. How many times has God whispered to me that He loves me, and yet when things go wrong that aren't His will, I question that perfect love?

Jesus- somedays I am sad. But I know you love me. Things hurt me- but I know you love me. I fall- but I am safe because You love me. And you have trusted me to love your children and to protect them.

May I always remember the way that you've loved me and that is the safest place to be. And may I always remember to send others around me into that safe love, too.

[Caela with her sucker for her baby.]

r e s t

I wouldn't call myself a morning person, but I don't hate mornings. I usually don't find it too hard to get up and start the day. This morning I opened my eyes and I didn't want to move. I turned off my alarm and I got out of bed, but all of a sudden the world was spinning and I quickly sat back down on my bed. Dizzy. My stomach was cramping and I felt like I was going to be sick. I ignored everything in me telling me to go to bed and I continued my day as normal. I brushed my teeth and washed my face. I went outside to spend some time in prayer and then I went downstairs into the crowded kitchen for breakfast. My head hurt. I tried to carry on normal conversations, but I found it hard to focus. Courtney looked at me and said, "Go back to bed. You look awful. I'll do your work today." (Shout out to you, Court, for being the kindest person I know.) I made my way back up the stairs feeling defeated and weak.

I laid in my bed and I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I started to pray. "God, I spent time with you this morning. I want to work today. I have things to do. I need to clean, I need to do laundry, I need to write emails." No reply. "But God I need to go. There's people waiting for me. There's things to be done." 

Silence.

Waiting.

"But I told you, 'Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.' 'For my presence will go with you and I will give you rest.' Why do you think you're invincible? Being tired is not surrendering. You have not given up. Today may you realize that my strength is yours, but you need to first realize that you need me. You do not earn my love. I will not love you more if you work today or if you stay in bed. Others may, but I am constant. Do not fear them. For I am the wellspring of life and apart from me you are nothing. Do not forget who's you are." 

Today I am weak and I understand that in my weakness He is made strong in me. I cannot do this without Him. Today I am dependant and today I am not invincible. I cannot confuse who I am with what I do. May we never be so focussed on what we are doing that we lose why we are doing it. God does not yell and He will not compete for my attention. Being still and knowing that He is God is different in each day. Whether I am cleaning a bathroom for the thousandth time or sitting in the dirt with half naked children, He has called me to be still and remember why I do this.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." 
-[Isaiah 40:28-30] 

out of control

I waved goodbye to my family and cried (embarrassing) as I walked to find my gate. I found a Starbucks and ordered myself a drink. While waiting, I said to Jesus, "If I'm doing what you want, why is it so hard for me to leave right now? Why does this hurt so bad?" And He spoke to me, "Do you think I leave when you do? Do you think I don't know exactly whats going on here and all over the world? Do you think I'm not everywhere and completely in control?" 

My whirlwind heart felt torn. I love Canada. I love my family. I love the tranquility and the smell of the air (except that Truro smell..). I love my church. I love my friends. I love waking up in my own bed and being free to fill my day with whatever I please. And to be honest, I caught myself going through entire days without even acknowledging Him. I got up, had food, had exactly everything I needed and more, and if I didn't well, I'd go get it. From waking up to going to bed- I was completely in control.

Each morning I wake up here, I am completely at a loss. I often I have no idea what my days will even hold. Whether we're building or cleaning our base, I run out of strength, patience, and motivation. I can't do it on my own. I need Him- in every moment of every day. I see my weakness and I see how He meets me there. 

For example- I came back to the DR on Sunday, May 17th. I woke up Monday morning and unpacked. We had a team arrive here that afternoon. Tuesday morning we got up bright and early and prepared to go and build three houses. I wasn't ready. I wasn't excited. I didn't want to go. We stood in a circle around the foundation and I looked at the family we were building for. Their oldest son looked at me and smiled. True joy from deep inside. I found out later that day that he is deaf. I started my work of setting up saw horses for painting and opening new paint brushes. The daughter of the family tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Can I help you?" Big brown eyes and a kind heart. As the day progressed, I found myself painting with the daughter- Mariele. She wouldn't stop smiling. She looked at me with excitement and said, "Maybe this piece of wood will go in my room." The little things. I asked her, "What are you most excited for in your new house?" She said, "Not having rain fall on us while we are sleeping." Humbled. I won't ever understand what it's like to live in those circumstances, but I hope and pray to have that kind of gratitude and awareness when God provides for me.

Jesus- thank You for these moments. Humbled by Your sacrifice. You left everything for me. You gave it all up. Thank you for loving me and for loving Mariele. 

I am so small and He is so big. If there's anything I've been learning, it's that I won't ever learn everything. I have been trying to wrap my mind around a God who cannot be tamed. His love knows no boundaries and today all I know is I am called to love His people. I know He has brought me here. I know He will guide me. I know He is with those who I cannot physically be with right now. He will never leave me or forsake me. He is truly in control and I am truly not. For all of these things I am eternally grateful. 

Casey.

In the last house build I got to be a part of, there were a few other houses built closely behind the one we were building. As always, a million children gathered outside the front of the house to watch the progress and play with the white people. But behind the house there were always four or five kids- the shy ones. The watchers. 

One little girl caught my attention on the first day. Her name was Casey. She was maybe 3 years old and somehow always remembered by name. I would walk out the back door of the house and she would greet me with big brown eyes and a reluctant smile. She had something mischievous about her. On day 2 (without me noticing) she started following me around. All of a sudden, Casey was holding my hand as I walked around. She would stand close as the other kids asked me to take their pictures. Time came for me to start setting up the tables for lunch. Little Casey watched with big eyes. I asked her to go home and come back after lunch so we could play. I turned away and heard little sobs. My thoughts were, “Child, I’ve spent half a day with you. Why is it devastating that you go home now? Where are your parents? Also, where are your shoes?” I felt my heart break. I picked her up and carried her home. I sat with her and assured her that I would be back to come get her later. I felt overwhelmed as I realized the impact of even just a little bit of time. As I turned to go, she asked me to take a picture of her. I took a picture with her and she didn’t smile. I pointed to her face and asked her, “Who is that little girl?” “That’s Casey.” “She’s beautiful! But she’d be more beautiful if she smiled.” So we took another picture. No smile. “Casey, why won’t you smile? You’re smile is beautiful!” She looked at me, smiled, and said, “Because you can’t make me.” I laughed and tickled her. Laugher erupted from her little face. We may not have taken a smiling picture, but in her I saw resilience and a joy that cannot be matched. 

[I pray you never lose that strength. 

May you never lose that fire in you. 

May you always fight for what matters, 

dear child. I pray that children like her

will grow to fight for the things that 

matter here. I pray that I can be more 

like Casey in standing firm and also 

showing my heart.] 

One step at a time.

There are days when I want nothing more than to wake up in my own bed in Canada. I want to get in a car, drive to Tim Hortons, and enjoy time alone. I want to fit in and to not have children constantly running up to me and asking me for bracelets or to take pictures of them. I want to be unnoticed and I want to know what happens next. I want to express myself in my own language, to be understood, and to be in control. I want to not sweat 100% of the time, to not have constantly dirty feet, and to have quiet and peace. I want to forget how much it often hurts to see the way people are forced to live in our world. I want to stop fighting battles I feel like will never be won. I want easy. I want careless. I want home.

But so much more than that I want to hear His voice and respond right away. I want to put the entirety of my trust in Him- the One who is faithful to finish what He has started. I want to know that each and every question that I have about my future is safe in His hands. I want my heart to beat in line with the Father and to have His eyes for each person I meet. I want to love fully, to be complete in Him, and to live with reckless abandon. I want His will above mine. I want to see change and transformation. I want to get in people's dirt and walk with them through their pain. I want purpose. I want life. I want hope. 

And yet, there are days when there is no place I would rather be. Seeing children dream and laugh and play brings a joy that cannot be explained. After all, the roles could have so easily been reversed. I won't ever know why God allowed me to be born into such luxury and these precious humans into such hopelessness. These shoeless, often naked children could have been me. We are equal. It can be so hard to shake myself of my culture where I have been taught about all the things that I need. 

I hear the words, "You don't know what you're doing." or "You aren't trained for this." or "Someone else could do this better." But then He speaks over me, "I have called you and created you for such a time as this. You don't need to be trained to be used. I want you. I chose you." 

A year and a half ago I named this blog "Lead me to where my trust is without borders." I think I actually believed that was a simple process. Daily God is asking more of me- more of my trust, more of my heart, more of my being. There are days when I just want to say "Stop! Don't you see what I've given up? Don't you see how this hurts me?" And again He says to me, "Mairi, I gave up everything for you. I want what is best for you. It hurts me to see you settle for less than that." 

I do not know what the next step is. To be honest, I do not know what I'm doing tomorrow. But I'm quite sure that Moses didn't know what it was going to look like on the other side of the Red Sea or that Peter knew what it was going to feel like to walk on water. They trusted, they heard, they obeyed. One step at a time. God knows my heart and He knows that there are days when all I want is to run. He knows all the times I question what I'm doing and if I'm truly in His will. But thankfully His plans are not affected by mine. 

Over the past days, God has shown me something about the place where I live. The town where we live is called Juan Dolio. It's touristy and filled with foreigners and hotels. Things are expensive and the beaches are stunningly beautiful. But among all of the outward beauty, there is a hidden Haitian squatter community here called El Tanque. The houses are falling apart, built out of found metal or wood. Dirty floors, no running water. They are built so close together and just where you think you have come to the end, there's another hidden house. But from the main road, you see nothing. Just trees and another hotel a few streets down. Where others see nothing, God sees the hidden parts. He sees the hidden parts of this world, and the hidden parts of my heart. He sees potential and hope for these things. He does not overlook those forgotten by everyone else. He doesn't overlook the parts of me that aren't seen by others. I am thankful for a God who sees.

[from everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; 

and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.] 

-luke 12:48.

I have been given so much.