One step at a time.

There are days when I want nothing more than to wake up in my own bed in Canada. I want to get in a car, drive to Tim Hortons, and enjoy time alone. I want to fit in and to not have children constantly running up to me and asking me for bracelets or to take pictures of them. I want to be unnoticed and I want to know what happens next. I want to express myself in my own language, to be understood, and to be in control. I want to not sweat 100% of the time, to not have constantly dirty feet, and to have quiet and peace. I want to forget how much it often hurts to see the way people are forced to live in our world. I want to stop fighting battles I feel like will never be won. I want easy. I want careless. I want home.

But so much more than that I want to hear His voice and respond right away. I want to put the entirety of my trust in Him- the One who is faithful to finish what He has started. I want to know that each and every question that I have about my future is safe in His hands. I want my heart to beat in line with the Father and to have His eyes for each person I meet. I want to love fully, to be complete in Him, and to live with reckless abandon. I want His will above mine. I want to see change and transformation. I want to get in people's dirt and walk with them through their pain. I want purpose. I want life. I want hope. 

And yet, there are days when there is no place I would rather be. Seeing children dream and laugh and play brings a joy that cannot be explained. After all, the roles could have so easily been reversed. I won't ever know why God allowed me to be born into such luxury and these precious humans into such hopelessness. These shoeless, often naked children could have been me. We are equal. It can be so hard to shake myself of my culture where I have been taught about all the things that I need. 

I hear the words, "You don't know what you're doing." or "You aren't trained for this." or "Someone else could do this better." But then He speaks over me, "I have called you and created you for such a time as this. You don't need to be trained to be used. I want you. I chose you." 

A year and a half ago I named this blog "Lead me to where my trust is without borders." I think I actually believed that was a simple process. Daily God is asking more of me- more of my trust, more of my heart, more of my being. There are days when I just want to say "Stop! Don't you see what I've given up? Don't you see how this hurts me?" And again He says to me, "Mairi, I gave up everything for you. I want what is best for you. It hurts me to see you settle for less than that." 

I do not know what the next step is. To be honest, I do not know what I'm doing tomorrow. But I'm quite sure that Moses didn't know what it was going to look like on the other side of the Red Sea or that Peter knew what it was going to feel like to walk on water. They trusted, they heard, they obeyed. One step at a time. God knows my heart and He knows that there are days when all I want is to run. He knows all the times I question what I'm doing and if I'm truly in His will. But thankfully His plans are not affected by mine. 

Over the past days, God has shown me something about the place where I live. The town where we live is called Juan Dolio. It's touristy and filled with foreigners and hotels. Things are expensive and the beaches are stunningly beautiful. But among all of the outward beauty, there is a hidden Haitian squatter community here called El Tanque. The houses are falling apart, built out of found metal or wood. Dirty floors, no running water. They are built so close together and just where you think you have come to the end, there's another hidden house. But from the main road, you see nothing. Just trees and another hotel a few streets down. Where others see nothing, God sees the hidden parts. He sees the hidden parts of this world, and the hidden parts of my heart. He sees potential and hope for these things. He does not overlook those forgotten by everyone else. He doesn't overlook the parts of me that aren't seen by others. I am thankful for a God who sees.

[from everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; 

and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.] 

-luke 12:48.

I have been given so much.